Don’t Know, Don’t Care

I got people asking me: Sarah Palin, she just up and quit? Why, why?

Well, I’ve thought about it for a couple days, and there are a range of possibilities.

One, another five-inch heel is about to drop, and she split before she had to quit.

Two, somehow she thinks this will help her in running for president in 2012, given that she can start making speeches and raising money and hanging out in Iowa now. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You go, girl! (Shithead.)

Three, she’s pregnant again, this time with the Weekly World News’s alien baby.

Four, some enchanted evening, hers and Mark Sanford’s eyes met across a crowded room at some Rotarian rubber chicken dinner.

Five, she’s in deep mourning for Michael Jackson and just can’t go on, man!

But the one I’m leaning towards is six, she’s just plain batshit crazy, and boy are we lucky she never became vice-president. To wit: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING JOHN MCCAIN? WAS THIS THE ULTIMATE END RESULT OF SOME FIENDISHLY CLEVER MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE INDOCTRINATION IN A NORTH VIETNAMESE PRISON CAMP?

Whatever. Bye, Sarah. Don’t let the door hit ya where the….

*sound of door slamming*


A Serious Thought on the Election

If Barack Obama is smart–and I think he’s damned smart–and if he wins the Democratic nomination, which, barring an explosive scandal, I think he will, he should choose a woman as his running mate.

I don’t think it’ll be Hillary Clinton. There’s just too much bad blood between the two at this point, and I think Clinton’s frankly too proud to accept second place. (As well she should be.) But Clinton’s candidacy has genuinely thrilled women with the chance of breaking the highest of glass ceilings, and I think Barack would be squandering that good will and all those motivated voters by, say, going with The Southern White Guy. Raises some interesting questions about who he might turn to–Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein come readily to mind, but they both have high negatives outside of California, and he’s probably not going to need them to win that state. Same with Washington state’s governor or senators. There are a couple female Senators in the Midwest, but they’re relatively new, and defending someone new is the last thing Obama needs. Barbara Mikulski’s great, but she’s getting too old for the job.

However, two sitting governors might make good running mates. One is Janet Napolitano of Arizona, who has a stellar record and would challenge McCain on his home turf, and the other is Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas, who’s extremely strong on economics, having turned her state’s economy around after some dismal early numbers. She’s also from a traditonally conservative state where Obama ran poorly, and which might prop him up with independents.

If I had to put money on it (and I never put money on politics), I’d go with Napolitano. She’d also help bring in Latinos and put the West/Mountain States in play. It’d be a hell of race, especially if they forced McCain to spend money in his own back yard. He would, in a word, look lame.

Dear Al:

It’s like this. Clinton wins Pennsylvania, Obama wins North Carolina, nothing much changes, except Obama keeps trying to gain altitude and Clinton keeps hanging onto his ankle. Which keeps them both low and within range of McCain’s guns.

Okay. That’s stretching the metaphor a bit. But, you won the Nobel Prize. You won an Oscar. You won the presidency in 2000 (remember) then threw yourself on your sword for the good of your country (bad move, in retrospect). It’s time for you step down from the mountain, hands outstretched, have the candidates bow before you. Praise Clinton. Lay a glow upon her and call her a great soldier. Then annoint Obama.

Or else…else the Democrats end up with a brokered convention, blood and guts on the floor, superdelegates slipping around, screaming as they fall, delegates bashing away at each other with Obama and Clinton signs, people losing eyes. And they’re all going to panic and try to draft you. Yeah, you. Drag you kicking and screaming back like Michael Corleone. You want that? You want to deal with this ungodly mess George is leaving behind? Total financial collapse? The second Great Depression? The fall of Baghdad? The end of both ice caps? Dogs and cats living together? Hell no! Write another book! Make another movie! Save the world! Save the party and shove Bubba off the stage in the bargain! (C’mon, admit it: how good would that feel?)

You can do it, Al. Else you’re going to end up in Florida again. And that just might really be the sign of the apocalypse.



Gonzo Political Advertising

Don’t ask me where this came from, but I suddenly had a political ad appear on the small blue television screen within my mind (which usually only shows a test pattern):

A doctor (vaguely resembling Dick Cheney) along with his assistant (vaguely resembling Alberto Gonzales) straps down a voter (insert identity of your choice), then inserts a probe into their skull, which slowly sucks out their brains, until they go from screaming “No! No!” to robotically chanting “John McCain…John McCain” until their head finally collapses like an expired balloon and they say “I feel happy.”

We then see their gray matter spirited away through a series of tubes, pipes, infrastructure, so on, until it comes out of a gas pump and fills up an SUV, which then drives away, revealing a Bush/Cheney ’04 sticker on the bumper.


Two political posts in one day…I don’t know, might be a sign of a dangerous addiction. It’s just been, well…there’s a big shadow crossing the moon this evening, and the city has fallen silent except for all these dogs inexplicably howling. Plus Mercury’s in retrograde of some such shit, and Mayans say time ends in four years.

Four years?

So the president, who’s romping around Africa, being entertained by lovely native dancers wearing his face on their asses (not making that up), has hit the all-time lowest approval rating in history. To put 19% in perspective, mental health professionals estimate as much as 17% of the population suffers from psychiatric disorders, so Bush is 2 points ahead of crazy. (Still better than Cheney.)

Meanwhile, Shiite militia leader al-Sadr said he’ll decide Saturday whether the cease fire he instituted will continue. If he say yes, the truce continues. If he doesn’t say anything…game on. And there goes that much vaunted improvement the troop surge was supposedly responsible for, because the next thing you know, the Shiites and Sunnis are going to be drawing down on each other again. Maybe why all that talk about bringing guys home has…just…kind of…tapered away….

Meanwhile, the Clinton camp is walking around like someone’s just struck them all in the head with baseball bats and they’re trying to catch their equilibrium, which they do now and then to wave their arms and yell “He’s not presidential! He just talks good!” Uh huh. Even Mr. Bill and James “Serpenthead” Carville are saying Clinton’s got to win either Ohio, Texas, or maybe both, and number wizards are saying she has to win them decisively. Like by, uh, 20 points. Meanwhile, the newest polls in those states show Obama continuing to close the gap. People were a little worried about Michelle Obama’s remark that for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of America–ruh roh–until Bill O’Reilly, actually trying to defend her from some right-wing caller, said, “Look, I’m not going to round up a lynching party until I learn the facts.”

Oops. Either he knew what he was doing and was stupid, or his unconscious took over and revealed who he really was. Either way, the heat’s off Michelle.

And then…oh God. You really can’t…you just really make this stuff up much less hope it’ll happen, but New Yorkers, when they sip their coffee and blearily snap open the Times tomorrow are going to be confronted with a big headline that John McCain was making nicey-nice back in 2000–when he was 63, kids–with a 40-year-old female lobbyist who just happened to have business with several of McCain’s committees, and whose clients contributed to John “unimpeachable ethics” McCain’s campaign. Which really comes as no surprise for those of us who remember that dingbat when he was one of the Keating Five, but it’s coming as a rude awakening for the GOP establishment to be dealing with their own “bimbo eruption.” Pat Buchanan reportedly had a public meltdown on MSNBC earlier this evening.

Ah irony. Irony is a sweet, sharp liquor that goes down ice cold then kicks your brain right out its skull. Irony’s a keeper.

This one day after David Letterman said of McCain, “Doesn’t he remind you of a greeter at Wal-Mart? He reminds you a mall wanderer. He reminds you of that guy who gets confused by the automatic door at the supermarket.”