Eagles Attack America: Film at 11:00

Falling into the category beyond prima facie absurd, right-wingers have drawn themselves all the way up on two legs and have pronounced the new Eagles album “Long Road Out of Eden” as an attack on America:

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/warner-todd-huston/2007/11/05/eagles-new-album-slamming-america-throughout

Which should have anyone who loves rock’n’roll flat on their backs, laughing hysterically–no, no, let me catch my breath–going, “Well, yeah, they’re The Eagles!” They hate you so much they put out a double-album! And from most reviews, they still sound like The Eagles, which means they’ll likely be carpet-bombing an FM “classic rock” station near you very shortly.

But no, these folks are objecting to The Eagles writing melodic, moody, country-tinged tunes about global warming as some kind of a Clockwork Orange rape of American sensibilities. So much for peaceful, easy feelings. Don Henley doesn’t dig you, America. He hates your SUVs, your way of life. He’s against freedom, and he thinks all the troops are baby-killing psychopaths. He wants you, take a deep breath, to feel guilty.

Yeah, dude. Uh-huh. When all indications are that The Eagles are still idling on the corner of Winslow, Arizona, watching the tequila sunrise, and trying to finally check the hell out of the Hotel California. Ah well…one of these nights. I knew Glenn Frey has a little bit of that weird jihad flame in his eyes….


But…Joe Walsh? Plays a mean slide, but, as we all know, he can’t find the door and they took away his license so now he can’t drive and he spends his day bowling and picking up dog doo (hope that it’s hard, woof-woof).

Joe Walsh can’t buckle his pants, much less affix a suicide bomber’s belt.

So–and really, I never thought I would ever, ever say this–but, fellow desperados, go buy the new Eagles album. You don’t have to play it. Just buy the bastard. Besides, the cover art’s pretty. Make it a movement. And while you’re at it, let’s bring back Quaaludes, Panama Red, and decent blow that hasn’t been stepped on with baby laxative. Talking about loving our true way of life.

But please. No flare pants.

My God. What if the Bay City Rollers have become Muslim extremists? Now I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

About Steve Patterson

Steve Patterson has written over 50 plays, with works staged in Portland, Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit, Austin, Tampa, and other U.S. cities as well as in Canada and New Zealand. His works include: Waiting on Sean Flynn, Next of Kin, Farmhouse, Malaria, Shelter, Altered States of America, The Continuing Adventures of Mr. Grandamnus, Bluer Than Midnight, Bombardment, Dead of Winter, and Delusion of Darkness. In 2006, his bittersweet Lost Wavelengths was a mainstage selection at Portland Center Stage's JAW/West festival, and, in 2008, won the Oregon Book Award (he also was an OBA finalist in 1992 and 2002). In 1997, he won the inaugural Portland Civic Theatre Guild Fellowship for his play Turquoise and Obsidian. View all posts by Steve Patterson

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