Dear John…

Far be it from me to offer advice to a Republican on how to recover their campaign after so utterly fucking it up to almost George W. Bushian standards, but, well, turn the other cheek as that one guy said. He won’t listen to me anyway, so we’re safe.

That said, Palin ain’t going to fly. The whole thing has been such a thorough disaster that they’re probably considering nuking Alaska so she has to drop out to deal with the crisis (which she probably would at least as well as Bush handled Katrina). Brass tacks, John McCain is, uh, not a young guy. He’s had melanoma, the most dangerous form of skin cancer, four times, and there’s a fairly decent chance…we’ll, let’s just say picking Palin was stupid on so many levels that it’s hard to count (and really throws into question McCain’s judgment, not to mention whatever medication they’re giving him to keep him upright), but mostly, it makes him look, really, really old, and, when you consider we’re in the middle of two wars and the economy’s tanking, the thought of someone like Palin being a heartbeat from the oval office would make you take a deep breath before snapping open the paper each morning. Politically, McCain’s pretty much screwed. If he stays with her, it’s going to be one long train wreck from here to November (though I really look forward to the vice-presidential debate for a change…that is, unless they have to stop it because it looks like Bidens squashing a kitten with a tassled loafer).

*meeeoooorrrr!* crunch. silence.

If he dumps her, he looks like he’s covering for making a bonehead mistake and all the evangelicals will huff, take their Bibles, and stay home. But…there is a way he can cover his ass. All he has to do is come out and say: “My friends, I believe there’s been a great misunderstanding. When I said I was choosing Palin for my running mate, everyone assumed I meant Sarah Palin. Well, they all got so excited that I didn’t want to dash their hopes, and I thought, well, maybe it’d work out. But, I’m a maverick, you know, and I have to stick to my straight talk. And that’s why I’m here to explain that I didn’t mean Sarah Palin. I meant Michael Palin.”“I believe Michael will, well, he’ll liven things up. He brings the funny. Even if it’s that kind of British funny not everybody gets. You know, the whole vice-presidential thing’s gotten pretty deadly with Dick Cheney, so to speak, and I think…I think in these times of trouble, America not only needs a vice-president who can communicate well with our Canadian friends. And with lumberjacks. But who has executive experience working in the Ministry of Silly Walks. And let me tell you, my friends, when we walk up to the podium together, it’s going to be a walk you’ll never forget. Now, if you excuse me, it’s my happy nap time.”

Joe Biden debates Michael Palin. You say you want an argument?

Do it, John. It’s the only way.

About Steve Patterson

Steve Patterson has written over 50 plays, with works staged in Portland, Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit, Austin, Tampa, and other U.S. cities as well as in Canada and New Zealand. His works include: Waiting on Sean Flynn, Next of Kin, Farmhouse, Malaria, Shelter, Altered States of America, The Continuing Adventures of Mr. Grandamnus, Bluer Than Midnight, Bombardment, Dead of Winter, and Delusion of Darkness. In 2006, his bittersweet Lost Wavelengths was a mainstage selection at Portland Center Stage's JAW/West festival, and, in 2008, won the Oregon Book Award (he also was an OBA finalist in 1992 and 2002). In 1997, he won the inaugural Portland Civic Theatre Guild Fellowship for his play Turquoise and Obsidian. View all posts by Steve Patterson

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